Who's looking for a smack?

What they need's a damn good whacking

Published on March 25, 2007 By Furry Canary In Welcome

A website I used to visit – I’m sorry, I don't remember the name - had a pleasing little feature they called 'virtual smacking'. Visitors were invited to nominate celebrities / public figures they believed particularly worthy of a good duffing up. For each accepted nomination, visitors could call up a photographic image of the offender, give them a ‘virtual smack’ simply by clicking on the image, and see the results immediately, thanks to some gruesome PhotoShop ingenuity on the part of the site administrators.

While I found it a curiously satisfying page to visit, eventually I grew frustrated by the obvious omissions from their list of smack-worthy figures. In particular, I could not understand why the truly odious Mr. Sting wasn’t featured. I nominated him for inclusion, more than once I think, but to no avail. And the last time I visited the site, their list of ‘smackees’ hadn’t changed for several months.

So, unashamedly, I’m stealing the concept and bringing it to a new forum. I have neither the time nor the expertise to cover the PhotoShop side of things, but the concept remains a thing of beauty.

So, JoeUsers, whom would you nominate, and why? I’ll start the ball rolling with my efforts.

Comments

Furry Canary

on Mar 25, 2007

NOMINEE: Gordon Sumner, aka Mr. Sting

WHY:
1) When it was cool, in the mid-80s, to appear to have a conscience, for parading around a South American indigenous elder like a Louis Vuitton handbag.
2) For his inability to read a book without concluding that it is his duty to humanity to write a turgid song about it.
3) For claiming to have got in touch with his feminine side, while at the same time banging on interminably about his sex life like the best of the pub misogynists.
4) For resolving the old 'boy from humble background makes good' dilemma of social conscience vs. mansions, private beaches, private school education for the kids and relentless toadying to the Royals (See also: Phil Collins, Ben Elton etc.) – and doing so with such ease, lack of shame and sheer smugness.
5) For the breathtaking egomania of assembling a band from among the best jazz musicians on the planet and proclaiming it a democratic outfit, only to call it 'Sting' and then getting it to play music at its whitest, its most bloodless and its most forgettable.
6) But most of all, for 'Every Breath You Take', not only musically humdrum, but surely one of the most unpleasant little stalkers' anthems ever produced.

Mr. Sting? SMACK!

Furry Canary

on Mar 25, 2007

(welcome back, btw!)
Why thank you (in more than one sense), my dear.

Actually, not only am I back, but - wishing to avoid accusations of being a mere sniper on the blogs of others - I have decided to post a few threads of my own this incarnation around. That said, I know this is a bit of an impersonal first attempt, but give me a little while to find my sea legs and I will attempt to find something more contentious into which to sink my teeth.

Dr Guy

on Mar 25, 2007

Mickey-why-did-the-terrorist-hit-blue-states-Moore

Joy-paranoia-is-my-middle-name-Behar.

Congrats on the first article, BTW.

Furry Canary

on Mar 25, 2007

'Congrats on the first article, BTW.'
Thanks doc.

Furry Canary

on Mar 25, 2007

I find it interesting that 4 of the 5 smackees identified so far by respondents to this thread are political figures. Don't get me wrong, I loathe many politicians, and from across the political spectrum, but I tend to think that they usually deserve something rather more telling than a mere smacking.

I picked Sting as my smackee because, like many self-important celebrities, I find him - no, not obscene, offensive, disgusting or evil - just intensely IRRITATING. And if I hadn't chosen him, there were many others I could have called to mind in an instant. e.g. Elvis Costello (whom once I loved, but now find a pompous windbag). SMACK! Or Andy McDowell (because she's smug, self-important, hasn't done anything of note in years ... i.e. she is definitely NOT 'worth it'). SMACK! Heather Mills (who makes my blood run cold). SMACK! Bruce Willis (for his interview in 'The Big Issue' - a newspaper sold by and for homeless people - in which he whined about having to pay such high taxes). SMACK! Ah, the 'beat' goes on!

Next please (cracks knuckles expectantly) ...

SSG Geezer

on Mar 26, 2007

But Elvis' album When I was Cruel is quite good. He is a tool though , so i guess he is worthy of a smacking.

SSG Geezer

on Mar 26, 2007

I believe Bonnie Raitt already gave him a proper smacking when he called Ray Charles a name.

SSG Geezer

on Mar 26, 2007

But Elvis' album When I was Cruel is quite good. He is a tool though , so i guess he is worthy of a smacking.

Furry Canary

on Mar 26, 2007

'But Elvis' album When I was Cruel is quite good.'
His first six or seven at least were absolute classics, no question in my mind. And I agree with you, WIWC was a startlingly good return to form (although even that one is nearly five years old now.) I'm not even saying I won't buy another one of his albums in the future. All I'm saying is that the older he gets, the more of a stuffed shirt he becomes in my eyes. The very kind of person the young Elvis Costello would have torn to shreds, in fact.

'I believe Bonnie Raitt already gave him a proper smacking when he called Ray Charles a name.'
Not Bonnie Raitt, but Bonnie Bramlett (of Delaney and Bonnie) I believe. And, sticking up for the stuffed shirt on this occasion, I think this one has been widely misunderstood for many years. In the early days at least, Costello was a leading light of 'Rock Against Racism', a musical / political movement that did a huge amount to challenge and counter the threat of a rising racist right-wing in the UK.

The barroom incident with Bramlett and Stephen Stills arose, as I understand it, from an admittedly drunk, young and beligerent Costello refusing to take the jibes of his musical 'elders and betters' lying down. Instead, he set out deliberately to wind them up in the most outrageous fashion he could. And obviously it worked.

In hindsight, it was unwise - Bramlett went running to the press, and Costello's profile in America never fully recovered. Instead, he lost the opportunity of a huge new market to the Police, featuring my smackee laureate, Mr. Sting. Oh, now THAT hurts ...

adnauseam

on Jul 14, 2007

I can think of no other person who deserves a virtual smack: Furry Canary himself.

I worry about whether you are an old Joeuser who has turned up in another disguise. It happens. If it's not true forgive me. I'll smack myself.

adnauseam

on Jul 21, 2007

Frankly, LW ,I would not want to look at his profile.

aeryck

on Nov 24, 2007

Furry Canary himself.

Really ? I thought it as always Puff who got the first hit .....followed by bogart .......

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